GRANDMA

A new title, A new role...."Grandma", OH MY I've made it to the threshold of one of lifes BIGGY passages (wasn't sure I'd get here actually). Margaux and Danny knocked me practically off of my feet Feb. 27th with the amazing news. I really wasn't quite right for hours upon hours after arriving home, ....emotions all over the map!! Those who know me can attest I'm a rather impassioned person, I couldn't sleep all that night trying to get a handle on everything I was feeling and thinking...SO much JOY for Margaux and Danny, saddness my mother isn't around to share in it, how thrilled the rest of the family will be, the many changes a new baby in our lives will mean to everyone....all the wonderful things I'd be wanting to do with my grandchild, lots of things I wasn't able to do as a single Mom with my own children, I'd have a second chance to do with my grandchild! Then the worry...Margaux being such a tiny little thing, eating well, surviving morning sickness....the flood of concern for all that can go wrong in a pregnancy, OH MY WHAT A NIGHT...Thrilled, frightened, worried, elated, emotionally everywhere! I finally settled down when it hit me........"immortality", a feeling of great peace and comfort.... Margaux and Danny will live on thru this child, just as I will live on thru this child, a DNA thing........I went to sleep finally with a big smile on my face, thinking many generations from now, when I'm long long long gone, there will be a person (who just like me), can't figure out why they love sculpting in clay, why in the world they're so good at it!! LOL, indeed, the beat goes on!!

SIX DECADES

I recently turned sixty. It had that feeling when you turned 21, it carries some importance. My children threw a surprize party, a first having never had one before I was truly surprized and delighted stepping into this next decade with such a happy positive entrance! Them taking the time and effort for the party meant more than they could know, feeling loved is absolutly EVERYTHING. So...being a goal oriented type, I've given some thought to how I'll make the most out of what feels like probably the last decade I'll be able to achieve some goals before stepping into my 70's (GADS). Not one to grow old with acceptance and grace I've determined an eye and jowel lift is absolutly on my "to do list"!....Ah vanity. Not for anyone other than myself who is having increasing difficulty with the mirror every morning. Altho I'm down to only 5 artshows annually, am more than willing to add 3 additonal shows to finance my "youth enhansement", thats the plan A for 2010. Plan B has to address the ciggarettes that have dominated my life for decades and (given the outrageous costs of my only induldgent passion), it's practically bancrupting me! I started on my birthday to give serious effort to reducing it by half......some days have been better than others, but have to start somewhere so I'm doing it. Plan C is to find some kind of parttime employment as a monetary subsidy measure to help with my less than stellar budgetary needs, as well as to serve as mental health measure getting me out and about.... Those are the primary goals, I've many secondary aspirations for Kathy in her 60's, a vision of putting as much fun as possible into this next phase, "fun" has been a bit elusive for the past few yrs....getting that direction turned around is mandatory! For the most part I'm thrilled to have made it to 60 (many I knew didn't make it), other than the customary little aches, pains...READING GLASSES.... grey hair streaked blond....a vigorous vitamin routine that now includes suppliments for joint health...and those occassional loosing the keys or where I'd put the cell phone, 60 isn't all that bad!

October 09

What happened to global warming??... the furnace has been running for a week, highly unusual for this time of what typically is "Indian summer" in Columbus. Daunting to realise winter will be arriving soon. (feels like any day now) Envious of those fortunate enough to winter in warm sunny locations....Who ever said "money doesn't buy happieness?"...it may not, but surely makes unhappieness more tolerable! Would love to be packing my bags right now with shorts and bathing suits, my tolerance for winter has been erroding fast for the last 3-4 yrs. OK...it is what it is, facing another winter, contemplating how to survive it with a smile.....a job. A parttime job in a busy place, where there's people....horrible being home in the house solo all winter, grazing on comfort food counting the days till spring to finally emerge from reclusion. Creativity for some reason becomes as frozen as the landscape, I don't create much in the winter. Time today to dispose of the last remnants of summer, the dead baskets of impatiens and begonias, dead tomato plants, turn the garden...yank the table umbrellas....find the leaf blower.... Lemonade from lemons, next week , I'll look for a nice little no brainer parttime job close to home, just the thing to help the winter fly bye....with a little luck, something fun.....at an age and stage of life when FUN has to be a part of most every endeavor.

Labor day/Fall

Summer's over?! Put away all those white garments?! Summer 09 has past?!, hmmm. My determined goal to make summer 09 memorable has fallen a tad short of my well intented expectations. I did manage to have my old High School friend Cheryl pay a welcomed visit. Very fun preparing for it, and Super fun enjoying our time together....many laughs and a few ventures out and about. Had a summer 4th of July party, fun planning and preparing...(never mind I screwed up and held it the wrong evening for the Country Club fireworks as the main event of the party!), it was great being hostess, a role I dearly have missed and plan on stepping into moreso in the future. Didn't make it on to a boat...didn't make it to a beach...or a long summers ride on a Harley....Didn't make it to any parks or picnics, lots of "didn't make it's". For the most part however it wasn't a blindingly exhaustive summer of art production and work related travel (greatful) I had one nice show in Michigan, had some fun with a few garage sale extravagnzas, helped a photographer pal at his big Columbus artshow, planted a terrific vegetable garden, worked on and completed two very handsomely priced commision scultptural pieces, managed one nice trip with a date out to the yacht club to enjoy a brief few hour trip down memory lane and kick it up with Eddys band...always fun. All and all, not a terrible summer by any stretch, room for improvement next year, like most everything...there's always room for improvement. FALL....A big art show in Louisville, early October...looking foreward to it, a great town, has been a lucrative show in the past, haven't done it in about 4 or 5 yrs. no telling with this economy how it shake out, none the less will be lovely being there again.

59

Age is but a mere number right?....It's a matter of "attitude" right?....WELL, I beg to differ right now, altho...this is subject to change if I happen to win the lottery. FOR NOW HOWEVER, having not won the lottery, I'm feeling the weight and magnitude of being 59, solo, mega exhausted, the one and only holder of my today, tomorrow and future destiny....YEP, feeling the weight of being "it". Not an unfamiliar feeling, I've had decades of this, but "age" definatly is impacting my perspective/attitude/and consequently my ability to DEAL. It's been a trying few months, reflective and not altogether insightful. It's been a very physically tasking/challenging few months, which in years past wouldn't be an issue....at 59, it's an issue. My reality is changing...something I'm being confronted with almost on a daily basis....and it's a HARD new reality for one who has prided herself on being extreamly self-sufficent, very independant, a survivor in every sense on every level, one who can make lemonade from lemons, who can find a way when most wouldn't see ANY POSSIBLE WAY. Strong and determined. Alas....this reality is changing, I'm tired....really tired. The daily struggles arn't so easily met, the monthly obligations aren't so easily addressed, the curve balls....the unexpected...the trouble makers, evil doers, users and takers, the players are not so easily delt with anymore. It's been a daunting time. I find myself moreso in retreat mode than putting on the gloves, standing tall and positioned......I want to hide, want to run....curl up and close the door, let the phone ring and let the mail stay in the box unopened..... PEACE is all I'm wanting, peace and quiet... "lusting" for simply peace, peace of mind...."security". JOY??, FUN???....I'll opt for peace right now, not that the need for joy and fun is gone, it's simply unattainable without some level of "peace" right now. CAN ONLY TAKE SOLICE IN THE FACT THAT NOTHING STAYS THE SAME. I'm hanging in with the notion that what I'm in throws of right now will in fact not be case forever....nothing afterall is "forever", things do infact change, .....Just don't want whatever change to be worse!! AGE 59, a rapidly fading shadow of my former self, a very scarry reality.....Age is just a number?....NOT.

Pleasure tax

April 1, 2009
BIG TAX ON CIGGS TODAY....Anyone still smoking ciggs will be needing a government bailout! Today the new tax on smokes goes into effect....not suggesting that smoking is a desireable vice, but as I last heard....ciggarettes are not deemed illegal (not just yet anyway). I view this as just another example of my governments attempt to limit, restrain, suppress, and ultimatly erradicate yet another personal, individual freedom. How odd, some circles of government are advocating a push to legalize marijuana along side a push to ban smoking ciggs??!...Could the government believe a nation stoned brainless is a safer healthier option?! All and all, with the outrageous cost for a pack of ciggs (over 5.00/pk), it's likely many of us will be cutting significantly back, or will quit and soon be joining the ranks of those with overeating obesity issues!

You bet we do...

How could I do it??...Did I really say that??... even tho I know it was the right thing to say and do?, (not said or done in a rash/reactive mode, thoughtful...and fully in control)...why then am I second guessing? Anything to do with owning our power, taking care of ourselves can trigger feelings of guilt and fear. We don't have to allow these feelings to control us, they're a backlash, the second guessing, these feelings, they're afterburn...let them burn out. The "afterburn" has controlled us all our life...guilt and fear to dare speak out in behalf of ourselves. Many of us have grown up with shame based messeges that it wasn't OK to take care of ourselves, be honest, be direct and own ones power with people and situations that were unfair, unjust or abusive. Many of us grew up with messeges that it wasn't Ok to be who were and to stand up to resolve problems in relationships, or at work. Many of us grew up with the messege that what we want and need isn't OK. LET THE AFTERBURN of standing tall, speaking up, being direct BURN OFF...don't let afterburn convince you that you were wrong and don't have the right to take care of yourselves, set boundries, and address directly when wrongfully, unfairly mistreated. Do we really have the right to care of ourselves? Do we really have the right to express oneself in ones behalf? Do we really have the right to set boundries? Do we really have the right to be direct and say what we need to say? YOU BET WE DO.....better late than never, YOU BET WE DO! March 27, 2009 a Trimuph day!