59

Age is but a mere number right?....It's a matter of "attitude" right?....WELL, I beg to differ right now, altho...this is subject to change if I happen to win the lottery. FOR NOW HOWEVER, having not won the lottery, I'm feeling the weight and magnitude of being 59, solo, mega exhausted, the one and only holder of my today, tomorrow and future destiny....YEP, feeling the weight of being "it". Not an unfamiliar feeling, I've had decades of this, but "age" definatly is impacting my perspective/attitude/and consequently my ability to DEAL. It's been a trying few months, reflective and not altogether insightful. It's been a very physically tasking/challenging few months, which in years past wouldn't be an issue....at 59, it's an issue. My reality is changing...something I'm being confronted with almost on a daily basis....and it's a HARD new reality for one who has prided herself on being extreamly self-sufficent, very independant, a survivor in every sense on every level, one who can make lemonade from lemons, who can find a way when most wouldn't see ANY POSSIBLE WAY. Strong and determined. Alas....this reality is changing, I'm tired....really tired. The daily struggles arn't so easily met, the monthly obligations aren't so easily addressed, the curve balls....the unexpected...the trouble makers, evil doers, users and takers, the players are not so easily delt with anymore. It's been a daunting time. I find myself moreso in retreat mode than putting on the gloves, standing tall and positioned......I want to hide, want to run....curl up and close the door, let the phone ring and let the mail stay in the box unopened..... PEACE is all I'm wanting, peace and quiet... "lusting" for simply peace, peace of mind...."security". JOY??, FUN???....I'll opt for peace right now, not that the need for joy and fun is gone, it's simply unattainable without some level of "peace" right now. CAN ONLY TAKE SOLICE IN THE FACT THAT NOTHING STAYS THE SAME. I'm hanging in with the notion that what I'm in throws of right now will in fact not be case forever....nothing afterall is "forever", things do infact change, .....Just don't want whatever change to be worse!! AGE 59, a rapidly fading shadow of my former self, a very scarry reality.....Age is just a number?....NOT.