SIX DECADES

I recently turned sixty. It had that feeling when you turned 21, it carries some importance. My children threw a surprize party, a first having never had one before I was truly surprized and delighted stepping into this next decade with such a happy positive entrance! Them taking the time and effort for the party meant more than they could know, feeling loved is absolutly EVERYTHING. So...being a goal oriented type, I've given some thought to how I'll make the most out of what feels like probably the last decade I'll be able to achieve some goals before stepping into my 70's (GADS). Not one to grow old with acceptance and grace I've determined an eye and jowel lift is absolutly on my "to do list"!....Ah vanity. Not for anyone other than myself who is having increasing difficulty with the mirror every morning. Altho I'm down to only 5 artshows annually, am more than willing to add 3 additonal shows to finance my "youth enhansement", thats the plan A for 2010. Plan B has to address the ciggarettes that have dominated my life for decades and (given the outrageous costs of my only induldgent passion), it's practically bancrupting me! I started on my birthday to give serious effort to reducing it by half......some days have been better than others, but have to start somewhere so I'm doing it. Plan C is to find some kind of parttime employment as a monetary subsidy measure to help with my less than stellar budgetary needs, as well as to serve as mental health measure getting me out and about.... Those are the primary goals, I've many secondary aspirations for Kathy in her 60's, a vision of putting as much fun as possible into this next phase, "fun" has been a bit elusive for the past few yrs....getting that direction turned around is mandatory! For the most part I'm thrilled to have made it to 60 (many I knew didn't make it), other than the customary little aches, pains...READING GLASSES.... grey hair streaked blond....a vigorous vitamin routine that now includes suppliments for joint health...and those occassional loosing the keys or where I'd put the cell phone, 60 isn't all that bad!

October 09

What happened to global warming??... the furnace has been running for a week, highly unusual for this time of what typically is "Indian summer" in Columbus. Daunting to realise winter will be arriving soon. (feels like any day now) Envious of those fortunate enough to winter in warm sunny locations....Who ever said "money doesn't buy happieness?"...it may not, but surely makes unhappieness more tolerable! Would love to be packing my bags right now with shorts and bathing suits, my tolerance for winter has been erroding fast for the last 3-4 yrs. OK...it is what it is, facing another winter, contemplating how to survive it with a smile.....a job. A parttime job in a busy place, where there's people....horrible being home in the house solo all winter, grazing on comfort food counting the days till spring to finally emerge from reclusion. Creativity for some reason becomes as frozen as the landscape, I don't create much in the winter. Time today to dispose of the last remnants of summer, the dead baskets of impatiens and begonias, dead tomato plants, turn the garden...yank the table umbrellas....find the leaf blower.... Lemonade from lemons, next week , I'll look for a nice little no brainer parttime job close to home, just the thing to help the winter fly bye....with a little luck, something fun.....at an age and stage of life when FUN has to be a part of most every endeavor.

Labor day/Fall

Summer's over?! Put away all those white garments?! Summer 09 has past?!, hmmm. My determined goal to make summer 09 memorable has fallen a tad short of my well intented expectations. I did manage to have my old High School friend Cheryl pay a welcomed visit. Very fun preparing for it, and Super fun enjoying our time together....many laughs and a few ventures out and about. Had a summer 4th of July party, fun planning and preparing...(never mind I screwed up and held it the wrong evening for the Country Club fireworks as the main event of the party!), it was great being hostess, a role I dearly have missed and plan on stepping into moreso in the future. Didn't make it on to a boat...didn't make it to a beach...or a long summers ride on a Harley....Didn't make it to any parks or picnics, lots of "didn't make it's". For the most part however it wasn't a blindingly exhaustive summer of art production and work related travel (greatful) I had one nice show in Michigan, had some fun with a few garage sale extravagnzas, helped a photographer pal at his big Columbus artshow, planted a terrific vegetable garden, worked on and completed two very handsomely priced commision scultptural pieces, managed one nice trip with a date out to the yacht club to enjoy a brief few hour trip down memory lane and kick it up with Eddys band...always fun. All and all, not a terrible summer by any stretch, room for improvement next year, like most everything...there's always room for improvement. FALL....A big art show in Louisville, early October...looking foreward to it, a great town, has been a lucrative show in the past, haven't done it in about 4 or 5 yrs. no telling with this economy how it shake out, none the less will be lovely being there again.

59

Age is but a mere number right?....It's a matter of "attitude" right?....WELL, I beg to differ right now, altho...this is subject to change if I happen to win the lottery. FOR NOW HOWEVER, having not won the lottery, I'm feeling the weight and magnitude of being 59, solo, mega exhausted, the one and only holder of my today, tomorrow and future destiny....YEP, feeling the weight of being "it". Not an unfamiliar feeling, I've had decades of this, but "age" definatly is impacting my perspective/attitude/and consequently my ability to DEAL. It's been a trying few months, reflective and not altogether insightful. It's been a very physically tasking/challenging few months, which in years past wouldn't be an issue....at 59, it's an issue. My reality is changing...something I'm being confronted with almost on a daily basis....and it's a HARD new reality for one who has prided herself on being extreamly self-sufficent, very independant, a survivor in every sense on every level, one who can make lemonade from lemons, who can find a way when most wouldn't see ANY POSSIBLE WAY. Strong and determined. Alas....this reality is changing, I'm tired....really tired. The daily struggles arn't so easily met, the monthly obligations aren't so easily addressed, the curve balls....the unexpected...the trouble makers, evil doers, users and takers, the players are not so easily delt with anymore. It's been a daunting time. I find myself moreso in retreat mode than putting on the gloves, standing tall and positioned......I want to hide, want to run....curl up and close the door, let the phone ring and let the mail stay in the box unopened..... PEACE is all I'm wanting, peace and quiet... "lusting" for simply peace, peace of mind...."security". JOY??, FUN???....I'll opt for peace right now, not that the need for joy and fun is gone, it's simply unattainable without some level of "peace" right now. CAN ONLY TAKE SOLICE IN THE FACT THAT NOTHING STAYS THE SAME. I'm hanging in with the notion that what I'm in throws of right now will in fact not be case forever....nothing afterall is "forever", things do infact change, .....Just don't want whatever change to be worse!! AGE 59, a rapidly fading shadow of my former self, a very scarry reality.....Age is just a number?....NOT.

Pleasure tax

April 1, 2009
BIG TAX ON CIGGS TODAY....Anyone still smoking ciggs will be needing a government bailout! Today the new tax on smokes goes into effect....not suggesting that smoking is a desireable vice, but as I last heard....ciggarettes are not deemed illegal (not just yet anyway). I view this as just another example of my governments attempt to limit, restrain, suppress, and ultimatly erradicate yet another personal, individual freedom. How odd, some circles of government are advocating a push to legalize marijuana along side a push to ban smoking ciggs??!...Could the government believe a nation stoned brainless is a safer healthier option?! All and all, with the outrageous cost for a pack of ciggs (over 5.00/pk), it's likely many of us will be cutting significantly back, or will quit and soon be joining the ranks of those with overeating obesity issues!

You bet we do...

How could I do it??...Did I really say that??... even tho I know it was the right thing to say and do?, (not said or done in a rash/reactive mode, thoughtful...and fully in control)...why then am I second guessing? Anything to do with owning our power, taking care of ourselves can trigger feelings of guilt and fear. We don't have to allow these feelings to control us, they're a backlash, the second guessing, these feelings, they're afterburn...let them burn out. The "afterburn" has controlled us all our life...guilt and fear to dare speak out in behalf of ourselves. Many of us have grown up with shame based messeges that it wasn't OK to take care of ourselves, be honest, be direct and own ones power with people and situations that were unfair, unjust or abusive. Many of us grew up with messeges that it wasn't Ok to be who were and to stand up to resolve problems in relationships, or at work. Many of us grew up with the messege that what we want and need isn't OK. LET THE AFTERBURN of standing tall, speaking up, being direct BURN OFF...don't let afterburn convince you that you were wrong and don't have the right to take care of yourselves, set boundries, and address directly when wrongfully, unfairly mistreated. Do we really have the right to care of ourselves? Do we really have the right to express oneself in ones behalf? Do we really have the right to set boundries? Do we really have the right to be direct and say what we need to say? YOU BET WE DO.....better late than never, YOU BET WE DO! March 27, 2009 a Trimuph day!

Working girl

A novel new experience for MS. S...."A real job", in the real world. YIKES! Age 59, (what an age and time to be engaging in such a novel new experience!) Having been a self-employed, fiercely independant, ultra entrapaneural persona for my entire adult life, the challenges of this current new adventure have indeed been many, on all levels. Right from the get go...applying for a job...whereby all the spaces on the application to list previous employment information I had no option but to leave glaringly blank! I did however have a skillfully crafted letter to attach which highlighted my many talents, skills, and strengths detrived from my sucessful endeavors as a rental property owner/manager, owner of an art business that requires all of the management skills any business demands, my people and selling skills in my Real Estate career (limited as it sadly was), and having raised 3 successful children solo....speaks volumes to any asute future boss! I ended up getting the job, as an assistant activity director in a rather large nursing home. Parttime, but it did require two, 40 hour wks. of "training" (what they alledge is training), and almost quit a total of 9 times almost daily, from the second day of "training"! I knew going in that all the changes having a real job would be many, and knowing a great deal about myself, knew where the big pitfalls would be...I can't handle chaos, not anymore anyway! Being one very determined person, I toughed out the first week, but admitedly had to dig VERY DEEP to keep going in for more. YES...challenged on literally every level of my being...very busy, tightly scheduled work days, highly stressful daily work shifts (all of which had to be learned in the event I'd be asked to work a shift I'm not ordinarily scheduled for), a ton of meticulous, endless documentation duties that differs in proceedure from shift to shift and are ongoing countless times each day, with codes and charts, etc. All the office duties operating mind you out of our activity office which is quite literally no larger than an 8X8 tiny room, that has only 2 desks, a file cabinate, a huge wall closit jammed with crap, a book shelf, 4 chairs and 2 TV tables on wheels where the 6 adult sized persons have to do their office duties in this literal closit, ALONG WITH THE BOSS, who is micro managing your every move!...Where volenteers cram in at any given moment as well! YIKES, noise, constant talking, endless verbal changes to have to remember as your'e attempting to do the paperwork/documentation and coding! A manic director who is also new, into mega micro managing, and takes helpful suggestions to ease the aborant chaos, ease some of the more obvious screw ups and disfunction with the scheduling issues as "complaining" rather than seeing them for the merit and value they may have to help not just her, but everyone!....I could go on for pages, but suffice to say, for some reason they can't keep new hires. All such an eyeopener for moi, Learning that co-workers are not your friends, but for one if you're lucky! Yep, a real scheduled work week, with a real boss, with real scheduled duties packed into an 8 hour day that keeps you running and breathless for most of it. Many days I'd survive by the words given to me by a dear friend..."It's just an exploratory mission...a new adventure, a way to limit smoking"!! LOL I've learned many valuable things...I'm much stronger than I thought I was, I'm more determined than I thought I was, I'm fantastic with the actual dear residents of the nursing home, who really seem to love me, and the daily experience of working with these dear souls counters significantly all the grief, stress and BS of the other challenges I've been dealing with. The rewards of the interaction with 'the folks", the residents are profound and many. If at any time, (which could be next wk or next year!) I elect to move on and discontinue with this....I will have taken away many valuable lessons, and will pray for, think often with great fondness of the dear souls I've come to know and love, who sadly can't leave there ever, not just yet.